april 9

today was a bad day. everything was wet and cold and i wore flipflops and i was sick so i had a stomach ache and a headache and my throat hurt everytime i coughed, which was alot. and i feel like i pissed everyone off becuase of my crappy attitude today. im really sorry for it and i want to apologize. so sorry..

jennifer, u probably thought i was mad or something but im not. im just tired and in a bad mood and sick. new scheduales for next year are due tomorrow and i dont even have anything signed. and im stressing so much on what i want to be in the future. my report card came in and the grades were horrible. that makes me so anxious becuase what going to happen to me when i grow up? with the way things are going im going to end up cleaning the school, not teaching in it.

im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry...
i feel like im sorry for so many things these days. and i feel like im just digging myself into a hole deeper and deeper every day. every day im losing friends. every day my grades get worse. every day my relationship with my family gets more distant. ive tried everything. ive tried being energetic, ive tried to be overly nice, ive tried to be unusually quiet and get ppl's attention. but nothing ever works. i feel like if i die, then no one would really care. i have nothing going for me right now. i have horrible grades, i dont have many friends, and im getting into fights with my family on a daily basis. i cry for no reason almost every single day. its horrible and it sucks. im tired of laughing after my sentences so everyone will think im a fun loving laughable person. bucuase that's not who i am. i dont know for sure if im putting too much effort into this. i get exhasted every day trying to talk to people.

everyone frustrates me now. i get so pissed so easily. i never show it. its part of my front. even the littlest things piss me off. everything's making me mad. im dropping so much friendships becuase everyone's annoying me. even i annoy me. im so dissppointed in myself i hate myself. and i feel like noone really understands my situation. and the reason why i dont tell anyone is becuase i dont want to sound like a whining bitch that want's attention. and i dont blame you if u think that now.

my spiritual life is gone. ill admit that now. i hate church. i hate going there. im forced to go there now. i resent it. i fear going there. i hate sitting there when all the 'christian leaders' sit there so happy and full of fire for God. i have to make deals with my dad if i go to church.

there is so much more. but
i feel like im rolling around on the floor bawling my eyes out for nothing. who's going to do anything? its the same old story everytime. and i dont expect help anymore. everytime i tell someone this, it never helps. i never feel better. why is life so hard? its so difficult. it's like im tring to pull myself out of the ocean when its pulling me in. its me against the ocean.