07.30.09

listening to: Doorway, Io Echo

ok. don't judge me. jennifer. axell. im blogging about Big Bang. SHUT UP. it makes me sad...that they're changing so much. this is how they used to be;

and then this is them now;

they used to be so cute! look;

but now they're freakin japanese. :'( not that i have anything against japanese. (eh) but why not america??? i liked how they were before. now they're all bright colors and BA-VOOM. not used to it. im not one to like change, you know? it depresses the hell out of me. why the hell did he have to grow his hair out?? :O ahahha. i have no right to judge them. oh well. i was itching to say that. and i needed something to blog about.

anyway. there are some mixed feelings im feeling now. if you bother to feel like looking up Doorway and listening to it, then go ahead. its exactly what im feeling. and it's making me so sad. but what can i do? i can't help that. i just really want to let it out in the open. i watched a tv show today, and this girl was having a tough time with this guy, and the situation she was going through..i can totally relate.
i feel though that these feelings are temporary. i pray they'll go away soon. but i can't do this alone. i need the other half to help too. i feel that's the role of a relationship. and i hope that each halves live up to it. im willing to change for you. and if you know what you're doing wrong, then act on it.
its tough. being in a relationship. but im trying my hardest here. my only other experiance was a summer fling and it was both our first. didnt work out. we're just friends now. good friends. but still. we must have done something wrong, and i can't open my eyes and see. you can say, ive never experianced something like this, and its very hard. emotionally. but i'm willing to bear with it.
mixed mummble jummble feelings. its a change. what can i say? i hate it. so much.

07.29.09

listening to: nothing. sadly.

last night i had another dream. except, this one was about me dying. and...that is not a great feeling. being choked to death. it's like, you can literally feel your walls of your throat caving in and sqeezing shut. and there's nothing you can do about it. and when he finally lets go, it feels like your walls will never come back up.
these dreams are scary. ): i wonder why i have them. i wish i have more pleasant dreams. like my friends. :D oh well.

complex day ahead of me. ive gotten in the habit of putting everything off until last minute. it's a miracle that i'm even allowed to go out now. i still havent told my mom i want to go out today with Perry and she totally planned the whole day out with me. x( she wants me to get my hair cut and wants to go out to dinner. i might have to rescedule with Perry. sorry. uhhhhh...oh yeah! MAGICAL MAGGIE is selling me American Apparel (sp?) jackets to me for $25. that's pretty good. if you're reading this blog and want some, then you should get some. the invite's on FB. $25 though...that's a really good deal. thank you magical maggie!

i know i havent blogged about the camping and trip. partly becuase even though it was truly the highlight of my summer...not all of the memories were the best. some im ashamed of, and some im ashamed for others. but most of it was good. im not going to blog about it, because there's waaaay too much to say. that's why i have a journal. ahaha. but one of the best memories i had was rock face painting with two my best friends, Jennifer Ruperto and Jessica Banh. we looked beautiful. at least. i think so.


now im just waiting for summer to be done. things left to do: vaca with family, band camp, AP US :(, and whatever is inbetween.

---

from fmylife.com:
Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

how cute is that? :)

07.28.09 aka dreams

listening to: ain't nothin wrong with that, robert randolph

well, it's 1112. and im kinda tired. but im doing this this late for mr. kenny ngo. anyway. ive had two dreams lately. they've both been recurring. and it's seriously freaking me out.

first one, it was AP US. i know. dammit. i shouldnt be dreaming about this, its summer, blah blah blah. but it's getting to me. i had a horrible dream that it was the first day of school and i forgot to do my summer AP US homework. that is a drop dead break your heart feeling. it was horrible. and i woke up, and i was like 'i've gotta do my homework!' but then i forgot and went back to sleep. its bugging me and i gotta do it, but im too lazy. argh.

my second dream scared me so bad. i think it's becuase i've been reading battle royal way too much. but anyway. im in school. and there's this announcement on air. and the principle's saying, 'if you dont get out of the school in time, you will die'. sounds easy. but the thing is, there's only limited ways out. and there's hella hallways and doors. and deadends. like, the first time, everyone escaped throught the gym floor. and the game is played over and over again. and the last time i dreamt it, i was running in the hallways with two friends. but the hallway was hella long, and soon my two friends just stopped at a classroom and just sat down in there. i kept on running, and i found an open door. so much relief washed over me. but then right when i was walking in the grassy fields, i was back inside. lost again.

so scary. i dotn want to dream it again.
these dreams. they're so real. i love them.

07.15.09

listening to: take it home, the white tie affair

it hit me today. the most important thing ever. i really need to watch harry potter. i can't wait for next week. i need to watch it NOW! i dont care it i have to climb behind great mall's walls and go underground and come up from a trap door i need to watch it. .... im dying. *sniff.
is it really in 3-D i thought it was...that would be awesome if it were. ahahaha.

anyway...i woke up with horrible morning sickness. sat on the couch all morning laying down. ehhh. i kind of want to take soccer and piano back up again. :/ but by now, i'd be the really bad player and everyone else would be really good, since i stopped for about 3 years. how embarassing. too late now. i caught up with an old friend. i just randomly IMed him and was like, 'i like gelato!' ahaha. mmhm. we exchanged twitters. :D yaaay.
im starting up friendship bracelets again. harry potter friendship bracelets! im kind of obsessed. ><>
yesterday's picnic was fun. it made me kind of sad though becuase me and perry didnt really talk all that much.. im starting to want to hang out with him and talk with him more and more becuase summers almost over! and he'll be going to college and i'll be going to MHS. again. yeeaahh.
for the picnic i tried to make sushi. and usually my sushi comes out really good. but that day, the rice came out really gross. and there was some...SPECIAL ingrediants in it. ahahahaha. so yeah...maggie knows. she better not spill it. ill get her if she does. x)

oh gosh. i want to make my blog more pretty. how do you put pictures on your blog? care to tell anyone? (:

07.12.09

listening to: The One, Super Junior-M

yesterday was the worst birthday celebration ever. i dont want to sound vain or greedy, but you know, its my sixteen birthday. and what do i get? my brother bitching and me, my dad taking his side, and my mom, being her, doesnt say anything.
my birthday only comes once a year. couldnt my brother afford one day without bitching at me for nothing? it's seriously nothing. he thinks he's more mature and better than me. so of course he has to prove it to me by bitching at me. all i asked for my birthday, the only thing i asked for was for him to acknowledge my birthday and say happy birthday. and at the end of the day, i didnt even get that. i went to sleep with no one saying goodnight, and everyone ignored me. all i had was my friend on the other line of a phone. happy birthday huh? yeah, sure. these memories will last a lifetime.

07.11.09

listening to: i don't understand, Big Bang

look! the date's 7/11! as in the one store. 7-11. haha.
its one day before my birthday, and im going to spend it with my mother. she wants to take me out shopping. :D even thought im a teen and teen's should hate thier parents, i enjoy hangning out with my mom. i might have a fun day today IF she doesnt nag. becuase her nagging is usually constant...
my day juuust started though. i havent even had breakfast. x)
there isnt much to write about...cleaning my room was a blast. i'm still not finished on it. there's pictures of it on facebook. it's disgusting. Jessica took so many pictures. my mom sent me, Jessica, Jennifer, Maggie, Perry, and Dealarik out to get boxes on different days. Dealarik had to climb into a huge blue dumpster behind great mall to get some boxes. that was an adventure. i had this wierd dellusion taht the two workers beside us were going to shoot us...oh god. its been a week and we're still not finished. that's how much stuff there was in my room. i havent even gotten to the back of my bed and my closet. i've barely touched them. but at least you can see my floor now. :D

and yesterday, i was so afraid i lost my cat, saphire. we were cleaning my room, and we had the window open (my window has no screen) and the door open, and we left to eat some korean ramen, YUM, and then my dad came back, and was like, 'where's saphire?'. and so i searched everywhere outside for her, for like, 3 hours, and then my parents called me back, and were like, 'she's inside!'. -____-.

my past week has been an adventure. i learned i can't run one lap around MHS track without falling down with cramps in my side and gasping for air. i suck. i need to get in shape!
good luck to those in arizona! ill be praying for you!

07.06.09

listening to: sorry sorry, super junior

idk if i wrote the date right, did i?
anyway, this blog is for the sake of just becuase. im bored and Jennifer is not here yet. i'm convinced taht she has no idea how to get to my house. bored, lonely, and isolated. is what im feeling now. im going through summer vaca withdrawal! dammit. i was so determined to avoid it this year. oh well.

4th of july was good. it wasnt very good in the beginning, but in the end it turned out well. i got to spend it with the one i love. :) with parents breathing down our necks but that's ok. it was still nice.
and Maggie, i apologize for slapping you, i didnt know. i feel really bad. i was confused, my bad.

well. my life...is neutral. nothing special, but im content. i feel like i dont want anything, and dont need anything. right now, i want to give. i dont want to depend so much. im happy now with the friendships and friends i have now. and i would be heartbroken if i lost any of you. so sit back and let me take the wheel, i want the be the one that people lean on now. if at all possible. im trying. haha!